Genital Warts, by Christopher in Oregon

Guys,

As promised, here's Christopher in Oregon's treatise on genital warts. I must warn you though: if you've just eaten, if you are squeamish, or if you're a woman, DO NOT READ THIS! What you're about to read is graphic, but it's necessary if we men are to control our sex drives; it's necessary if we're to reclaim our power as men. Once you take sex out of the equation, women have little or no power over you-remember that. Now, on with Christopher in Oregon's examination of genital warts...

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Warning: Graphic conversation follows:

Ah, yes. The effects of an aging or weakened immune system can be profound when it comes to genital warts. They can mass in huge cauliflower like piles, and grow to gigantic proportions. Once the immune system is on the decline, all bets are off. From what I've heard and read, the smell from genital warts can be horrific. Poop and other filth gets trapped beneath the blossoming tops, and is impossible to clean.

Combine that with Herpes sores, and you've got yourself quite a mess. I can only imagine trying to treat the pain of Herpes sores that are located on massive genital warts, all the while my penis is oozing green puss.

Graphic? Disgusting?

You bet. We need more of that. Hollywood makes light of sex, and rarely mentions the downside- STDs. If they do, it's a vague reference to something that requires a shot of penicillin.

The days of penicillin are OVER, boys! The stuff that's out there is NOT cured by any medicine, and not prevented by condoms! Women today are FILTHY, as are, sadly, most men.

If you would be clean, if you would be healthy, if you would be wise, then renounce all sexuality! I admit I was deceived in recent years, and thought I could engage in the use of pornography.

WRONG!

ALL sex leads to physical decay. Do you really want to lie in bed some day as an old men with twenty pounds of quivering warts dangling from your groin like some beast from "The Blob"? Maybe it will grow eyes and stare back at you.....?

It isn't good enough to stay single. It isn't good enough to not date. If a man would be strong, if a man would be wise, he must clear his mind of lust. Stop viewing porn. Stop watching ANY modern films or television shows.

STOP LISTENING TO ANY MODERN MUSIC, which seeks to enslave you with filthy lyrics and that filthy "beat"!

I listen to four to eight hours of classical music a day, sometimes more. It purifies the mind and soul.

To be free from the evils of lust, to be free from God's judgment of STDs, you had better man up, and renounce sex in all of its forms.

There is no room for error these days! If you screw, you will GET screwed.

I remember the first time I heard about genital warts. I had gone to the Oregon State University Medical School bookstore, and bought some hideously expensive books on STDs. I was young. I was horny. But, I was still religious. I wanted to get laid. But, something was holding me back.

My parents warned me about women. They warned me about diseases, yet what did my parents know about HPV or Herpes? Nothing. Nor did I. I just knew that sex carried the risk of the STDs that were present back when my parents were young. Little did I suspect that the landscape had changed dramatically. New bugs abounded, like HIV, HPV, HSV and HCV.

So, I cracked open the books. I purchased more books. What was this new thing called Herpes? I mean I had HEARD of it, but it wasn't something that I really thought about.

Then I saw them.

Warts. Big, juicy, oozing warts.

Crap. I remember the first time I looked at a picture of a homosexual man whose crotch was covered by a mass -a literal MASS- of genital warts. It looked like a Broccoli patch. Flowering all over the place. I was both mesmerized and horrified. I'd never seen anything like it in my life. My eyes were frozen to the page. The warts were just everywhere!

Then I read. And read.

I came to one conclusion right away: I would never engage in sexual intercourse again as long as I lived. (I had only tried it once when I was 21 with a Mormon woman) Something in me triggered a defensive mechanism of sorts. (Sort of like what happens when you are out in the forest and you see 1200 pounds of angry grizzly bear barreling towards your sorry ass. You climb a tree and hope for the best)

I knew I didn't have all of the answers, but in spite of my lust and constant erections, I knew I didn't want THAT sort of thing obscuring the view I had of my tallywacker. I tend to be fairly pragmatic. I could see the downfall associated with trying to yank off bloody chunks of warts from my crotch. I mean, how else do you get rid of them? Ah, the silliness of youth.

Then, I started studying the various methods doctors use to get rid of genital warts.

YIKES!!!!!!!!

If I was still in doubt about my celibacy, the treatments for genital warts convinced me. If you don't know, read about it. It's horrifyingly painful. Warts come back, then they come back again. And again. And again. And....you get the point.

There is something in me that is utterly revolted by any kind of wart. I don't shake hands with people. I keep my distance. But warts on my Willy? Whoda thunk it.

Disgusting.

Did you know you can get cancer of the penis? Do you know what a PENECTOMY is?

Say it slow. P-E-N-E-C-T-O-M-Y.

What's THAT, you say? Well, the anesthesiologist knocks you out, and they slice off all or part of your penis.

WHAAT!?

Yep, penectomy. Keep that word in mind. You can get cancer of the penis from......women. Or, gay men if you prefer.

We've all heard of genital warts. Nasty, slimy, ugly things that march across the landscape of your privates like an invading army. But, the Human Papilloma Virus that causes Genital Warts has something even better in store for you.

Cancer.

Yes, cancer. Many, possibly most strains of HPV are linked with cancer. Cancer of the penis is almost always associated with sexually-transmitted HPV infection. Treatment is painful. Sometimes they get it early, and traditional methods will stop the progression. Sometimes they only have to cut out small pieces of your penis. Kinda looks like Swiss cheese afterwards, but what the heck, it's still there. Sort of.

But what if they don't get to it in time? Well, there's the rub. Well, actually there won't be any more rubbing. Sometimes they cut off an inch or two. Sometimes three or four. Sometimes more. Bet you're wishing you had a twelve inch penis about now....?

Sometimes you lose the whole thing, and you have to pee just like a woman. Sitting down. There's nothing left. You are no longer a real man. Your penis is gone. The stuff of nightmares. This is worse than losing your testicles. (You can lose THOSE, too.)

Say it again: Penectomy. Kind of rolls off the tongue.

Speaking of tongues, you might lose THAT, too. What? Oh, yes. Most cancers of the mouth and adjoining areas are now being linked to HPV. A small price to pay for pleasuring your girlfriend orally, right? I mean, who really needs a tongue? How about your throat? Now, that maybe a problem. Kind of like to swallow food. And breathe.

Now, I don't know about you, but I like my body. Granted, it's not as young as it once was. I can't get erections as easily as I used to, and sometimes not at all. But it's THERE. Dangling at half mast, but it's still MINE. All mine. It's not lying in a garbage can in the operating room waiting to be thrown out with the other medical waste.

So, think long and hard boys. Whether you are Christian, Jewish, Deist or whatever. I have come to the inescapable conclusion that there IS a God, and He does NOT wanting people perverting His system of procreation. I do believe He has a temper, as well as a slightly warped sense of humor.

The cost of sex is simply too high these days. Keep it in your pants.

Christopher in Oregon

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I know that that was jolting stuff, but it's a good jolt. It's the kind of jolt that wakes you up; it's the kind of jolt to give you a reminder to not do ANYTHING stupid-like have sex with a modern, American skank, er woman. Thank you Christopher for your warning to us all. Until next time...

MarkyMark