I'm a race fan. I like racing in all its forms. Whether you're talking about NASCAR, F1, MotoGP, NHRA, or even lawn mowers, I like racing! NASCAR is big here in the States. After the races, nascar.com had a webcast post race show. One of the hosts was Mike Bell, who'd been a welcome addition to the Beau Estes & Nikki Alexander; when Mike Bell has joined the nascar.com post race show, it was 100% better. Unfortunately, Jack Daniels discontinued their sponsorship of the show, so it ended right after they got it right!
So, I did a web search for Mike Bell. Since he worked on the Jack Daniels Post Race Show on nascar.com, that meant he had experience working in the media somewhere. I found out that he has a radio show, Archer & Bell, on the Atlanta, GA radio station, 790 The Zone. On the station's website, Mr. Bell also has an online blog called "Boozin' with Bell". This is one of his posts, and it's about the benefits of single life contrasted with the horrors of married life. I found myself CRACKING UP when I read it, and I think you will too. Enjoy!
Grow Up? Why Should I?
WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE & CONTENT The big 4-0 is just a year away, but unlike many of my friends an
The big 4-0 is just a year away, but unlike many of my friends and coworkers I am showing no signs of slowing down or growing up. This was profoundly evident last week when I attended the Clemson-FSU game at Death Valley. While on line to buy another Coke to mix with my Jack Daniels minis during halftime, who do I bump into but my first college roommate! He’s a big corporate lawyer now in The Carolinas and I don‘t want to embarrass him by using his real name, (we’ll call him Jimmy Tompkins of Charlotte, NC). After I got kicked out of Tallahassee in the Spring of 87’ we’d run into each other here and there over the years. The last time I saw him was the 1993 National Championship Game weekend in Miami. He had just gotten engaged after receiving his big shot law degree. Meanwhile I was working at an all 70’s format rock station and bartending in Ft. Lauderdale. Jimmy was always Felix to my Oscar, the voice of reason to my hair brained schemes. Tony the Mailman and I had to twist his arm to get him to stop into the Pure Platinum gentleman‘s club. Later that night we did a zillion shots celebrating Bobby Bowden’s first title and closed down Baja Beach Club. When his fiancée called he was passed out with a stripper in my guest bedroom. I explained who I was and that Jimmy was crashing at my place and that he had food poisoning and would call her back. You could tell that she wasn’t buying it and was not happy he ran into me. She was even more unhappy when Andy put me in charge of his bachelor party a year later. She put the kibosh on that immediately. Adding that I was persona non grata at the wedding. I advised Jimmy to break off the engagement, switch to Criminal Defense and move to South Beach with me. I hadn’t seen nor heard from him since. So thirteen years later sure enough there’s Jimmy with this big woman and two pudgy kids all decked out in garnet and gold . His wife suffers from classic Tiegs-Campbell Syndrome. (The upper body of Cheryl Tiegs and the lower body of Earl Campbell). She had the debutante smile with the big Charlotte hair. And an even bigger butt. Like 40 pounds of chewed bubble gum for an ass stuffed into Capri pants. “Wow looks like you’re raising two offensive linemen huh, Jim”? I joked as I knelt down to meet his boys. “That’s Samantha on the right” his wife intoned. “Oops, I meant boy and girl or boyish girl”. We bullshitted for a few minutes while his wife took the two sloth like urchins back to their seats. “Yeah I’m still single, broke up with the 24 year old a few months ago, just having fun in Atlanta, been doing a lot of traveling, went to Prague last Summer”. Jimmy nodded “Just as I would’ve expected, you are living the dream”. Then his wife Broom-Gilda reappeared and the twinkle in his eye went out like a candle in the wind. “Hey this time let’s stay in touch” I said while handing him my business card, “cell phone is on there if you ever want to come down for a weekend, blow off some steam.” Jimmy said he would but I know it will never happen. He gave me a final hug and whispered in my ear “kill me.” Okay so I made that last part up but it’s just so sad to see an old friend living that cliché of a life we made fun of as freshman back at FSU.
Now I know what you married with kids people are going to say. Wait until you have your own children, everything changes. Your kids become the focal point of your happiness Blah, blah frigging blah. No way Jose. I ain’t going out like that. My 20 year high school reunion was like an adult version of “scared straight”. Between tales of divorce, separation, child support or guys working three jobs to put the kids through college my head was spinning. It’s not that I don’t like kids. I loved coaching little league. (My starting line up consisted solely of children from single mothers). I love taking my neighbor’s son to Hooters when his dad is working late. You’ve heard of big brother, I’m like a big dysfunctional brother. Give me a kid for three hours for some Madden on the PlayStation, then “bye-bye”, that’s perfect for me. And in case you’re wondering, I do have fatherly instincts and actual parenting skills. I even taught an ex-girlfriend’s kid how to pee standing up. It wasn’t that hard. I used the same method to teach Drunk Larry at a Dolphins game. Anytime I start thinking maybe I should settle down I come to my senses after seeing people with kids at the airport. The poor father of two trying to get the diaper bag and his carry on stowed while his two rug rats are waling on a Delta flight, all the while getting an earful from the wife for not leaving for the airport sooner.
I’m sorry married people. Not being married is a lot cooler and a lot more fun. If I called you to go out for a night on the town tonight how many of you married slobs could do it? If I called you right now and said “the Cowboys are playing the Dolphins Sunday let‘s hit South Beach for the weekend how many would say “Well I’d have to check with the wife” or would just shake your head and say “no way, not possible”. That the beauty of singleness. It’s the freedom baby. The freedom to do whatever you want to do whenever you want to do it. I had an ex-girlfriend about three ex-girlfriends ago who used to bust my balls all the time. She would say in that annoying sing-songy girlfriend voice “You think life is one big party all the time. You think that life is free golf and eating fried chicken sitting around playing Madden in your boxers or doing shots all night in some strip club with some skank sitting on your lap, or five trips a year to Vegas, well it’s not”.” Life is about relationships and part of a relationship is about commitment and sacrifice and wanting to do things for someone else…wait a minute are you sleeping?
The thing is I’m not alone in my unabashed singleness. I’ve got a bunch of friends in their late thirties and early forties who are committed to bachelorhood as well. And not all of these guys are losers. And as long as there are other dudes I can hang with who validate my lifestyle why should I change? Let me ask you a question. Are you having more fun at 39 than you were at 19? Aha! Here’s another one for ya. What do you call playing Tiger Woods for three hours with your doorman while woofing down a case of beer and a pizza then spending three more hours at The Cheetah with the boys before grabbing a steak and then a few more cocktails at The Palm? Me, I call it a Tuesday.
If getting a hall pass from the wife is as tough as remembering your anniversary I think some changes need to be made. For some of you dudes, tailgating at your alma mater’s football game or a round of golf is as wild as you get these days. Well at least that’s a start but a lot of you guys should be having a little more fun than that. Maybe a little screwing around on the side. Nothing close to home, maybe a hot little secretary from an out of town sales call. And just when did that become such a big crime? I’m sorry I got off track, uh where was I? Oh yeah reasserting your “guyness”. How about a few nights out once in a while? We’re living in one of the greatest cities in the country for fun. The chicks outnumber us 4 to 1, there’s bars and clubs open every night, so come on guys pick up your skirt and find your balls…now who’s with me?
On the Way: A night on the town in The Windy City. And a trip to Notre Dame, The Whitest Place in America.
Did that crack you up or what?! While it is funny (I especially love the imagery of meeting his old college roommate, fat wife, and slothful kids), it's serious too. See what you get when you marry a typical, American bitch, fellas? While I don't party till dawn like Mike does, I do what I want; I do it when I want; and I do it HOW I want. I don't have some bitch getting on my ass about how I did this or that wrong, nor do I have her nagging me to mow the fucking lawn at 0700 on Saturday morning! Guys, do what I, Mike Bell, and many others have done-stay single, stay free, and stay HAPPY! Until next time...