Not Attracted to My Husband

Guys,

Props go to Laura Grace Robins, who gave me the link to this site.  The site, The Secret Society of Women, is just chock full of women and their bullshit.  I could keep this blog going for ETERNITY if I only posted material from that site; I kid you not!  Reading posts like this make me glad I'm single.  Fellas, when you get that longing for a 'special someone', this is what you're missing; this is what you don't have.  Remember that!

Anyway, the post that follows is authored by a woman who calls herself 'Magica'.  She's a woman who loves her husband, but is not longer 'in love' with him.  Yes, she's cheated.  Yes, she has contempt for her husband.  You know the drill.  Guys, if you're dumb enough to marry, THIS is what you're getting into...

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I met my husband at the age of 12. It doesn’t mean we’ve been together since but we always liked each other, and finally got together in our mid 20’s, dated long distance (and I mean long distance, he was in another country) for 3 years until I graduated college and moved with him to that country.

My life changed completely, and it was the hardest thing in my life to overcome, a new country/language/culture, a new set of very conflicted in-laws and becoming a wife. Now that I think about it, it makes sense he fell for me, because he could have someone to love while he was away doing his thing (he traveled 10 months of the year for work) and also he could keep his distance, same distance he keeps now and has always kept.

He’s very nice, sweet, he cares about me and our child, but he’s always kept himself out of reach, even with me. It all has to do with his upbringing, but I won’t get into that now. The only thing he’s truly passionate about is what he does for work, which he loves. And that’s great, but the fact that I and my kid always come second, and the distance, the cold distance he keeps from everyone, not on purpose, he doesn’t even notice it, but it hurts.

So even when we were dating, I knew I had to fill the gap. I thought then it was because we were so far away, but in the back of my mind there was always an alarm sign I didn’t want to look at.

Enter Ex Boyfriend Number 1 in the picture, with whom I always had the most intense, intoxicating, strong, blow your mind, sexual chemistry. It was something you could almost touch when we were together under the same roof. We run into each other at a birthday party and began having an affair. He had a girlfriend also back then, so we were both cheating. Those nights were probably some of the bests of my life; because our connection wasn’t only sexual, we could almost read each others mind all the time.

It ended when we both had to move away, after we graduated. We had one last night, we thought we were both gone overseas and when we saw each other, pass the initial shock we couldn’t stop hugging, we almost didn`t talk. It was intense and beautiful. We never saw each other again.

But the magic of the web, we kept in touch via email. We would write almost every day, and it kind of faded away with time. Then I found out he had cancer and almost died, and I felt my world tumble around me, I emailed him immediately and got a response in a second, he was ok, but I told him how scared I was with the thought of him not being well.

Then enter Married Man number one. I had another affair, with a man I met online, and who traveled half way around the globe (his excuse was a business meeting) to be with me for a week. He stayed in a hotel near my house, and after the week was done he left, after we had an emotionally devastating fight, because he realized I would never leave my husband for him. And he was right, and I was right. Even though he had it all planned out, and he had the kind of personality that thinks everything is possible just by the power of your own will… so when he set out to get me, he was convinced he was going to get me no matter what. It was a really dark, sad period of my life. He ended up confessing to his wife, and she found me out through his phone records, and emails (he had promised he’d be careful, he’d use phone cards, never would call from home, only email from his work computer but I guess in the end, he put me at the most risk when he confessed, told her my name, and let her call me in such rage, rightfully so… but I always wonder if he confessed to her about the other affairs he had, before me, which I don’t think he did)

So yes, rock bottom, the worst kind of woman I could have possibly become. That I was.

I never came clear to husband, and will never tell him. It’s history now. We stopped all communications right away, and the last I heard from him was long time ago, I know he’s still married and had a couple children afterwards. I don’t think you should tell your spouse about an affair, I wouldn’t want to know, especially if it has ended. That kind of pain is not worthy of you getting rid of your guilt (like in his case) or the total honesty thing….

And here I am now. I haven`t cheated physically, but still, the distance I have from my spouse, makes me feel unattached to him, I’m not attracted to him at all, our sex life is very poor, once a month and I do it mostly because I feel obligated. I’ve spent most our married years alone while he was away for work, and now he’s here all the time, the distance is even more real. He does not make me feel attractive, he thinks joking around and trying to humor me will make me want to be intimate with him when all it really does is make me want to slap him and kick him out of the bed. I want to feel desired, attractive. He doesn’t look at me that way, he’d say “oh that looks nice on you” But will never look at me “that way”.  And I too feel the need to have a better sex life; I don’t want the better years of our lives to go by like this.

But it happens that I find that spark in other men’s eyes, when they look at me. I know they still find me beautiful, and would be with me in a heartbeat. So I develop all this crushes, some of them borderline flirtatious, and I feel guilty, but then I think hey if I’m not appreciated at home, then I deserve to have someone flirt with me, compliment me, look at me a certain way.

I don’t want to cheat again, I would not cheat now that I’m a mother, but it’s also so unfair to me, because I do love my husband, I’m just not “in love” with him anymore and I haven`t been for a long long time… I’m just his roommate, whose breasts he gets to “playfully” grab while I`m washing dishes….

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What can I POSSIBLY add to that?  I could rip parts of this woman's rantings and ravings, but why bother?  What she says speaks for itself.  Oh, and if you get a chance, read the replies to this opening post; they're enlightening too.  Again, THIS is what you're signing up for if you get married, Fellas!  Until next time...

MarkyMark